Patiently Anxious

Still Unbearable

2011-09-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

These past five months have been a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions. I knew my TomTom was sick but never realized the grave severity of it. It happened so fast and I feel we were all cheated and it is so unfair. My heart still hurts for the loss his family, girlfriend and all of his friends endured. My other half who was Tom's best friend/"brother from another" is deeply affected and devastated and probably will forever be broken by this. This is not a loss one gets over. I know the saying "with time, the pain will subside." I don't think that saying holds truth. We learn to move on and live without our loved ones in our life, but I think the more time goes on, sometimes the more painful it becomes. I think of him and it hurts; I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him and I can either smile or cry. I think of the future, and knowing Tom won't be in it really upsets me. But, I know he is out of pain, not suffering anymore, and believe he is in a better place. I know he is not physically here, but spiritually he is. <3

Unbearable Loss

2011-04-06T08:00:00.006-04:00

I first met Tom when I was 14. Me and my sisters used to call him "swing boy" because he would always be at the park on the swing with his sketch book. On this particular day 16 years ago, me and my sister Sam decided to befriend him since he was alone on a swing sketching away. Tom was the best artist I knew. His art was stunning and always amazed me. He had just moved to Hastings around this time and we were one of his first friends he made there. Since that day, we maintained a special friendship that lasted up until Wednesday, March 6th 2011 when God needed another Angel in Heaven. Tom was always a loving, caring, gentle, and genuine soul and he always had a way to make me smile. I will forever miss him and truly love him, especially because of him, I'm lucky to call his best friend "mine."

Tom fought the ultimate battle of cancer. He was such a courageous, brave soul and I will forever be proud of the fight he put up. He was a warrior up until his last breath. Heartbreaking and tragic as it was to watch him pass away, Heaven must have needed another Angel, and he was chosen. I miss him but I know one day in some far off place, I will recognize his face, and we will meet again. ♥ ♥ ♥

Happy New Year 2011!

2011-01-14T08:00:00.006-05:00

Another year has passed so fast! The older I get, the faster time flies. It really makes me cherish every minute of life. I wish you all a new year filled with happiness, good health and prosperity. This is my year...and I kicked it off right and spent a week in beautiful Puerto Rico! It won't stop there. We plan on traveling a lot more from now on. I have made it my New Year's Resolution to enjoy life more. Given my hectic, stressful lifestyle, it is no wonder that "enjoying life more" has become something I yearn.

Please Support AFSP

2011-01-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

I was hesitant about writing this post; not because I am ashamed of what happened, but because I don't want people asking questions. I very rarely share the cause of my uncles’ deaths and never tell strangers it happened. Most people are just curious but they don't know or understand the depth of the emotional pain; it truly is devastating. This post is in memory of my uncles who got lost along the way and left us too early. They were loved and will forever be in my heart and dreams. I wish I could have helped them find their way. The only consolation I try to hold on to is believing they are in a happier place. This post is also for those who struggle with life, the stigma of having a mental illness (and do not seek help) and to all those who did ask for help (but did not get it), my thoughts and prayers are with you.

It is unfortunate that there is a stigma attached to suicide. By supporting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), we can publicize the magnitude of the problems of depression and suicide, advocating for policies and legislation that can help prevent suicide and work to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental illness and suicide. *SUICIDE IS PREVENTABLE*

You can support AFSP today by giving a generous donation; or if you are unable to donate at this time, there are many ways you can help by educating the public. Awareness is truly important. We have to alert the public about suicide and depression. Please visit AFSP for more information. Finally, see below for some alarming National Statistics:

* Over 33,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.

* A person dies by suicide about every 16 minutes in the United States. An attempt is estimated to be made once every minute.

* Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death among those 5-14 years old; third leading cause of death among those 15-24 years old; and the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States;

* Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.

* Risk factors for suicide among the young include suicidal thoughts, psychiatric disorders (such as depression, impulsive aggressive behavior, bipolar disorder, certain anxiety disorders), drug and/or alcohol abuse and previous suicide attempts, with the risk increased if there is situational stress and access to firearms.

* Over 60 percent of all people who die by suicide suffer from major depression. If one includes alcoholics who are depressed, this figure rises to over 75 percent.

* Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesses. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

* Alcoholism is a factor in about 30 percent of all completed suicides.

** In Loving Memory of George (2000) and Greg (2006) **

2010-01-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

From the very day I met you
You were quite the endearing one
Charming, Smart and Clever
You made me your "Special One"

You have been my guiding light
Through happiness and tears
All my major accomplishments
Not always first being clear

Now that I am older
You no longer hold my hand
Instead you guide me in the right direction
No longer having to use such discretion

Thank you is not enough
For all you have been to me
One day I will show you
Just how much you mean to me

For now I think this will do
I love you not only for who you are
But most importantly
Who I turned out to be

Written for the man I am lucky to have met...

Happy 2010!

2009-12-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

Here we are again!! I can't believe we are entering the year of 2010! Just yesterday, I remember getting all ready to move into the new millennium. Where does the time go?

I have had a year filled with happiness, new beginnings, tears, sadness, disappointments and losses. However, I am grateful for the wonderful family I have. My partner of 10 years is truly a blessing and keeps me grounded. I am lucky to have such amazing parents, sisters who are my best friends, and a niece who is my little angel! It is very easy to harp on the negative, but I learned many times this year, that life should never be taken for granted. You never do know when your time is up. You should enjoy every minute you have, and not sweat the little stuff in life!!

I do have a few resolutions for the new year. After about a 6 month hiatus, I shall return to the gym and start to eat a bit better; I LOVE my snacks, but it's time to cut alot of them out! I want to try to stop being so hard on myself. I really am my own worst critic! Lastly, I am going to try my hardest to put my college degree (which I worked so HARD for) to good use at a job that is both rewarding and appreciative of me.

Wishing you all a HAPPY and HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!!

Vindication

2009-01-12T20:00:00.007-05:00

While I was loving you
You were hurting me
While I was blinded by the truth
You threw the false in front of me
While I was crying
You were laughing
While I was loving
You were lying
While I was getting over you
You were into me
While I was over you
You were loving me

Circa 1998..I came to realize that after the storm comes the rainbow :)

Welcome 2009!!!

2008-12-31T20:00:00.000-05:00

I really can't believe we are entering the year 2009! It seems like yesterday we were partying like it was 1999 and getting ready for the year 2000. My dad always told me to "enjoy your 20's because they fly by" and I really never paid attention to it. You know, you kind of put things like that on the back burner and go about your life. However, just this past year I have come to realize he was not lying! I cannot believe where my 20's went. In just 5 months I will be 29 years-old and I just can not grasp how time flew by so fast.

While the thought of entering a new decade is scary, and almost sad, I am ready to move in that direction. I actually look forward to what might come. I doubt anyone wants to grow old - but you can't stay young forever! :) An old adage is "with age comes wisdom" so I'm sticking to that! I've had many good times during my 20's, I just don't want to let them go.

I happen to have a different outlook on life than most people, I suppose that is what keeps me content. I am grateful for what I do have, instead of longing for what I don't have. I never harp on the negative things that have happened to me, they are learning experiences. I have also experienced quite a bit of loss in my life, and yet, at moments when I do feel pain, I try to focus on positive memories, and I move on and think that what I do have is precious and can be taken away in an instant...be careful what you wish for is my new motto.

So, as the end of 2008 is near, I have to say I am truly blessed. I have a great family who I am very close with; I have a boyfriend who is also my best friend and treats me like a gem; and genuinely good friends; but most importantly, I have my health. For once, I am starting to feel complete...even though I am not 100% happy with my current career choice, it's really not so bad...I am finally ready for the next step in life, whereas before I was scared to even look ahead.

Have a HAPPY and HEALTHY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

"YES WE CAN!"

2008-11-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

By now everyone knows Barack Obama is the 44th President-Elect. Being able to vote for the first black President was a historical moment -- I couldn't have been happier to have been able to participate in such an election! And in the words of the President-Elect himself I really see now that "we have come so far." As I mentioned in a previous post, I don't see color. I happen to come from a multi-cultural family and many of my friends are all different races, so for me the color of his skin was the last thing I was basing my decision on when voting.

I knew from the moment he started campaigning that he clearly was the right choice. I watched most of his debates and speeches and every time -- he never failed to move me. He speaks so eloquently and knows the right things to say. Now, of course, he has often said that he'll likely be an imperfect President, and will not be able to change everything, but I am confident more good things will come our way because we have chosen to elect him. He is a smart man with determination and courage.

The best part about his acceptance speech was his statement "Yes We Can!" When in doubt -- refer to that quote. At least for me, it makes me feel a lot better when faced with certain obstacles!

Picture of Obama courtesy of www.krycomics.com

Withheld

2008-10-01T23:30:00.003-04:00

To hold my love for you inside
When we are so near
Would be like holding back a tear
A tear held back
Still blurs the eye
And somewhere in my heart I’d cry

Palin Rant...

2008-09-18T08:00:00.008-04:00

I am very angered right now, so decided to vent here. I just don't get this individual. She claims to be a conservative, who is religious...yea only when she wants to be!!

I saw a video the other day on her wolf hunting. I cried because I didn't expect it to be so graphic. Anyway, she is a hypocrite because she is taking God's creatures, killing them BRUTALLY, and offering an "incentive" of $150 per dead animal. Where is that in the Bible?? That is self-righteous? Huh, pro-life? She is destroying animals and it is all for her entertainment or, um, excuse me, enthusiastic hunting.

And, while the government suggests this barbaric killing is for the sake of "protecting land, water, wildlife, livestock, domesticated animals, human life, or crops," I don't buy it. Wolves RARELY ever attack humans (unless they are provoked or have rabies---rabies affects Wolves' brains and make them go a little bonkers). A cute fact about them is they mate for life. :)

There are various other measures that can be taken without these brutal killings. I know a lot of animal activists sometimes make these stories worse because they act on emotions, which I often sometimes do, but seriously, is this necessary?? There are other ways, more humane ways of controlling nuance animals. Wolves are beautiful creatures. Bottom line, hunting for the thrill of killing something, not for survival, is obscene.

Not only is this rant about animals, but it shows us what her thinking can do to humans. A perfect example is Palin wants an extended war in Iraq - which will send us right into WW3. She lacks common sense, and judgment, and definitely not someone who I want to see running our country.

End rant...

(WARNING: VIDEO CONTAINS GRAPHIC MATERIAL)

Obama all the Way!!!

2008-09-11T08:00:00.000-04:00

As I have previously mentioned, I am not big on politics; however, I do care about what is going on in the world. Bush hasn't quite figured things out, and voting for McCain would be like keeping Bush in office. I don't hate McCain, he actually seems like a very nice person, but what's on the surface is McCain appears to be another Bush, same ideas, same thinking. And, don't get me started on Palin. I want to see new ideas, America needs a change! For starters, I want the gas prices to decrease, the soldiers to come home from a war that has unjustifiably killed thousands of people, and a Vice President who will enforce gun control ... not one who thinks every person should own a gun... Palin really is clueless. I would strongly consider moving to another country if the McCain/Palin duo "wins" this election.

On another note, a lot of people are misinformed, are lazy and won't do the research. People are afraid of "the unknown," and so, you see, Obama becomes a threat to those are who afraid. With Obama, I don't see color, those who do, are just bigots in my eyes. I see someone who has youthful energy and idealism. I genuinely believe change will happen with Obama.

As of today, the presidential race is close, but I am hoping that everyone will do the right thing, and vote for Obama!!

Cute Old Couple...

2008-09-03T08:00:00.007-04:00

Whenever I see old couples together, holding hands, I really find it so endearing. The first thought that crosses my mind is I hope I am that happy when I get to be their age.

I am a sucker when it comes to animals, babies, and the elderly. 9 times out of 10 they can usually bring me to tears. I just have a soft spot for them, I suppose. On this particular day, I was heading out for a drink at Sunset Cove in Tarrytown...and couldn't help but capture their special moment.

Most of us are so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget about the simple things...and this is just one of those reminders to stop and seize the moment, before it is gone for good.

Still Patiently Anxious...

2008-09-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

My life still feels like an oxymoron...I am very proud of myself, knowing that in just a few weeks, if not days, my Bachelor's degree will be arriving in the mail. I still can't believe I made it. There were so many obstacles in my way, and so many times I wanted to quit. But I was very adamant about getting a college education and succeeded.

I am also still anxiously awaiting the moment where I will feel satisfied with my career choice. I know I am not alone, so I guess it eases the pain in this department. I know people who are well into their 40's and they are still battling the question of what they are going to do with their lives. It can become very disheartening, but I am determined to figure it out!

I love children and animals. So I try my best to think of a career that involves one of them. I think about teaching, but go back and forth like ping-pong. I am an indecisive person, but I should really WANT to teach and I am not so sure that I do. And, anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE animals, but I can't pay the bills on a Vet Tech's salary. I would have to work on the administrative side of things, and those jobs don't come a dime a dozen. Perhaps, I should think about relocating? I know that most major wildlife organizations are not in New York, except for the Wildlife Conservation Society. They probably think I am a live one. I applied there like 100x in the past 2 years and no such luck.

So I will keep on truckin' until I figure out the road I am destined for...

Animal Cops

2008-08-26T08:00:00.003-04:00

I watch this show almost every night on Animal Planet @ 10 pm. I cry practically every time I watch it. Sometimes it is cute, fuzzy stories that get me; other times the stories are heartbreaking and cruel.

Nothing gets me more angry than watching helpless animals become victims of cruelty or torture because people are too damn lazy or just simply don't care enough to do the right thing. Last night, Animal Cops Houston had to "save" a dog that was chained and confined to her backyard. Abandoned and chained up backyard dogs cannot move to their comfort. This dog had a metal chain around her neck for a collar and leash and was tied up to a fence. She had the chain embedded into her flesh at the front of her neck and it became very infected. Luckily, the Houston SPCA treated her and found her a new home with people who loved her just as much as a member of their family. It was a happy ending. I always find it amazing that an animal that has been abused or neglected, has the power to forgive, and will go on loving. Humans rarely have that capability or resiliency.

So, needless to say I have about zero tolerance for this type of stuff. Beware!! I AM "one of those people" who will call the cops, if I happen to see your animal being mistreated!!

A Day at the Bronx Zoo...

2008-08-24T23:30:00.000-04:00

Today we wound up at the Bronx Zoo and no matter how many times I go, I am like a little kid. I get so excited to see all the animals, especially the babies!! I love being around nature. For me, nothing is better than that. The tranquility I feel when around nature is unexplainable. I guess, in part, it is an escape from my world, even just for a moment.

And, today, I finally got to see the new Madagascar exhibit, which I have been so anxious to see!! I thought it was very educational! The zoo makes a point and shows us that Madagascar is losing its forests, and unfortunately, animals are either endangered or near extinction because of deforestation. They did a great job bringing you closer to the animals or to a more detailed sense of their habitat. What visitors see when they come to this exhibit is a timely reminder of the scale of this environmental tragedy and the international effort to end deforestation. It really is heartbreaking. I fear my children or grandchildren will not get to see the beautiful animals I see today. I am hoping that in time things will change for the better...

On that note, here are some of my favorite pics taken today. The baby ducks are by far the cutest, don't ya think?? :)

Why I Don't Watch the News...

2008-08-19T20:00:00.003-04:00

OK, so I admit, I am not one to follow the news on a daily basis. Heck, I rarely ever watch it on TV, except if I catch a few minutes around 11 p.m. before I head off to bed. Usually, within those few minutes, I am disgusted and wind up turning it off. My way of getting the news is waking up, getting to work, and reading the headlines on CNN.com. Go ahead, call me a headliner! :) Not only do I feel like the news is depressing, but lately the "news" is filled with nonsense. I mean, since when were political figures and their affairs "news"?? How is that important? Do I really benefit from knowing this? I think not. I frankly could care less who is sleeping with whom...

I feel we should focus on more important things, i.e. cancer research, AIDS awareness, the truth behind the "war," global warming, etc. You rarely ever hear anything "uplifting" on the news, so I always say to myself "why bother?" I skim through the headlines online, absorb what I need to know, and I move on. I already have a problem where "I think too hard," so the less I know about glorified trash, the better.

So, when the topic of politics come up, I turn the other way, and in some instances I want to run!! I have no real interest in politics to be quite honest. I know who our Vice President is, isn't that good enough? :) Do I appear to lack substance, probably...but, ask me anything psychology-related and I can talk for hours; or anything science or animal-related and you can hold my interest. I even like to argue and talk about the law - so maybe becoming a lawyer in my next lifetime is in order. While I care about the world, and the things that are going on, I don't care about the politics that come along with it. Who is screwing who..."oh my god our next president might be black!," and the senators' affairs. These "news" stories are just not beneficial to me and I lose all interest...

Thanks to one of my best friends, I was introduced to the world of happy news...here the news is ALWAYS happy!! Seriously, check it out for yourself: HAPPY NEWS!!!

No Stranger

2008-08-10T22:25:00.000-04:00

The following is a poem I recently wrote, which has various meanings. Without having to interpret my words, basically, one is solely responsible for their happiness.

Maybe I seem cold, or unsympathetic, but
don't forget, I was once there too.

The past lies where it should, me bringing it up,
to appease who?

Buried secrets, unspoken truths, me mentioning it,
opens up old wounds.

No need to divulge what went on, even though on
a "smaller scale," I was a victim too.

I understand the darkness that lurks deep within,
but because I am not an open book, I am looked at like a fool?

One should not speak without first asking, don't assume
I do not know.

Rant?

2008-07-27T17:00:00.000-04:00

As far back as I can remember, I always had a soft spot for animals. However, my care and concern for them increased within the last decade. I started researching in-depth about animals and how they are treated. You'd be shocked if I told you everything I have come across.

That being said, I now see the ugly realities that exist and have tried to do my part in helping animals, even if it is just through on-line donations, petitions or memberships to zoos or wildlife conservation organizations. Some people have no problem telling me that I, alone, can't change the world, or how animals are treated; but, who says I can't try?

Through personal experiences, I realized just how cruel and evil some people can be. Animals do not share these same qualities. Animals love unconditionally, are not judgmental, and do not do things to intentionally hurt you, hence why I love them so much!!

So, this is the end of my rant for the week. Thanks for reading! :)